After my first birth to my son, I had a lot of healing to do. When this baby is born, my son will be two years and ten months old. It probably took me 2 years and 8 months to get in a good mindset for this birth. I struggled with so many people telling me that I had a healthy baby so why does it matter what my birth was like. As I mentioned previously, the two main things that happened with my first birth is I felt that my voice and my power were taken away for me. I spent a long time finding a way to empowerment. Here is what I did.
I started inadvertently by watching the Business of Being Born. This documentary made me realize that I was right to feel like I had been manipulated and even bullied at my birth. I actually had to pause the movie a couple of times to get out the emotions I was feeling.
After that, I began listening to parenting radio shows like Progressive Parenting. I also started reading a lot of natural parenting blogs like Mama Natural and The Mommypotamus. I also started following Mayim Bialik on Kveller.com. Through these different websites I learned about Attachment Parenting International and many other resources about natural birth and natural parenting. A lot of the information that touched me specifically is that each parent will parent differently. The most important thing to do is to follow your instincts and do what makes your heart feel light. Parenting is a very challenging job and one that will be with you for the rest of your life. It is ever changing and evolving as you change and your child changes. Flexibility and intuition are key to succeeding as best as one can in parenting. The other most important things if forgiveness. The ability to forgive yourself specifically is key to being successful and happy in parenting. I will struggle with this forever but I hope to keep the intentional choice to forgive myself, my husband and my children for all of our imperfections and mistakes.
As my husband and I got closer to discussing expanding our family, we had a lot of conversations about changing our lives to suit an expanding family. I chose to apply for a government position as a paralegal and leave the high stress world of private practice behind. We also began to learn a lot about minimalism and simplifying our lives to live intentionally. This continues to be something we work on and progress at a slower pace that we would hope. Someday soon I will write more about this.
Finally, we began to talk about OB/GYN or Midwife practices that would be a better match for our desire for a natural birth. We did a lot of research in the DC area and chose to go with a midwife practice since they have the strongest commitment to natural childbirth, at least in the NoVA area. We found two practices we were most interested in deciding beween: a hospital based practice and a home-birth/birth center based practice. After attending information sessions and having a lot of heart to heart talks, we decided to go with a home-birth practice that actually used to be my GYN practice before my insurance changed. The reasons we went with this is because I wanted a birth that was as far from the hospital birth I had with my son as possible. I also did not want to have to drive anywhere while in labor unless there was a medical reason to move. I wanted to be among my things in the comfort of my own home. I also wanted to stay in my bed after birth and not have to deal with all the hospital staff constantly coming in and out of my postpartum room after the baby arrived.
With that decision made, we were fortunate to get pregnant after our first try. We were definitely not expecting that and thank G-d for it each day. We focused on eating a healthier diet this pregnancy compared to my previous pregnancy. We also focused on incorporating more natural support for the pregnancy to avoid morning sickness and other problems. We used magnesium oil and epsom salts to help with morning sickness along with Vitamin B6. I had nausea but was sick significantly less this time around. The only times I got sick were due to my own stupidity in waiting too long to have breakfast. We also drank lots of pregnancy tea and red raspberry leaf tea to support my uterine health. We switched to food based prenatal vitamins and added probiotics, Vitamin K2 and Fermented Cod Live Oil as supplements to my diet.
As we started moving towards education for this pregnancy, we decided to attend three (yes 3) prenatal classes to help us prepare. The first was a Rebozo Workshop with the amazing Gena Kirby. Please check out her e-book and information about using a rebozo during childbirth. We learned so much in that one day class and I made some amazing friends that I continue to be close to now. The rebozo is a comforting tool that the husband and doula can use during labor to provide relief and comfort throughout labor, delivery and after birth to carry your baby.
Next we chose to take both Hypnobirthing and Bradley Method classes. The Bradley class was 12 weeks and focused on everything you would need to know for pregnancy, birth, postpartum, breastfeeding and even some childcare once the baby arrives. It was by far the most comprehensive class I've ever taken and I really wish I had taken it with my first pregnancy. The information about nutrition, relaxation, pain relief techniques and labor and birth positions. Simultaneously we took at 5 week Hypnobirthing class. This was also very helpful for me (although less for my husband). It focused on relaxation techniques and daily affirmations which help with the mental part of labor and birth. The class also re-frames the way we talk about labor and birth and removes the fear words from the experience. Also, one of my favorite parts of the class was the fear release which allowed you to acknowledge your fears for your pregnancy, birth and parenting and then release them from your mind. This helped me tremendously and I would highly recommend hiring a Hypnobirth instructor to do at the very least a fear release if you cannot take the full class. The class was mostly attended by second time mothers and seemed to take the teachings of Bradley a step farther for helping with labor and delivery. I also want to say that the breathing techniques and birthing positions at Hypnobirthing made the most sense to me and are what I intend to do. I wish the class had been longer because it is hard to focus on continuing the practice of the relaxation techniques outside of class.
I also wrote into Progressive Parenting and asked the lovely Ms. Gena Kirby to do a special show about traumatic birth and healing. You can hear excerpts from my letter and the entirety of the show here. This helped me so much because it allowed me to hear my story out load and learn that there are many other people out there who have experienced this. It allowed me to grieve and move on.
I continued to read lots of books about natural child birth, birth empowerment, and labor support. Some of my favorites were Childbirth Without Fear, Birthing from Within, Sacred Pregnancy, Mother Rising, The Thinking Woman's Guide To A Better Birth, The Birth Book by Dr. Sears in addition to the Hypnobirthing and Bradley Method books. I did not read all of these all the way through. Although I had full intentions to do so, parenting my son and sleep stayed my priority throughout. I also read The Jewish Pregnancy Book and The Jewish Baby Book. I continued to join endless Facebook pages and follow many blog posts about birthing, doulas, breastfeeding and attachment parenting. These gave me a lot of the tools and language to express what I wanted in this birth and help frame a vision for my ideal birth.
I also hired an amazing doula for this birth that I met at my Rebozo workshop. We clicked right away and she has been a great help. Even though I've been through labor and birth once, she has helped me acknowledge my concerns and also acknowledged and supported my intense desire to learn and change my next experience into my ideal birth.
With the help of my doula, child birth educators and midwives, I have also constructed a wonderful birth plan that is far more inclusive than the one I prepared for my son. In addition, it stays positive and spends time focused on what I want and not what I don't want. It sets my intentions for the birth while acknowledging that birth is unexpected and things can change. It provided details for home birth, hospital transfer by choice and hospital transfer in an emergency. That way, all of my bases are covered and my desires are known and on paper. My doula, midwives and husband all are very familiar with my birth plan and will take care of making sure it goes to plan.
Some of the specific things I listed in my birth plan to help me out were to remove numbers from my labor and delivery. I do not want to know what time it is, how long I've been in labor, how long my contractions are, how far apart they are, how dilated or effaced I am, or any other numeric value that could give me any indication of how far along I am or how I am progressing. Those things were used against me in my first pregnancy and are a source of great stress. Also, none of these are really good indications of when you will give birth or how long your labor will be. Instead we are going to focus on the emotional signposts and by how I look and feel throughout. It will allow me to lead the birth team through my birth based on my needs and desires and not on some arbitrary number. I have also asked to have no vaginal exams unless there is a really good medical reason as they are also very poor estimators of labor and delivery. I am also having a birthing tub in my own bedroom, with lots of candles, dark lights, my own music, no monitoring other than the doplar to check the baby's heart rate, and wearing my own clothes that I picked out with my own smells and sounds of my house. My son will be close by with my mother to allow him to be with me as much as he or I feel is necessary. G-d willing, he will witness the actual birth or be present shortly thereafter to meet his new sibling.
We also held a blessingway this time around instead of a baby shower. The blessingway experience meant a lot to me and was extremely powerful. It helped me create a circle of friends and family that will be supporting me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, labor, birth and transitioning to a mother of two children. We talked about my previous birth, my intentions for this birth, my fears, my joys and excitement, and much more. We lit candles, adorned a cast of my pregnant breasts and belly with flowers and pearls. We had henna tattoos placed on our bodies (mine was of a Hamsah and a Tree of Life) and pampered each other and eat good food. We created a necklace made of beads contributed by the attendees to be worn during labor and birth. This physical reminder will help me keep them present with me during labor and birth even if they are physically elsewhere. We participated in a web of support with a red string that all of the attendants have agreed to wear until my birth. They brought food to fill my freezer so we would have sustenance when the baby arrived. They took the candles home with them to light when they find out I'm in labor so we will all be connected again. I felt uplifted and empowered by the women in my life and know that they will be with me in birth and forever.
We also lined up postpartum support by hiring a lactation consultant to come and visit us at home just after the baby is born and follow up with an in office visit shortly thereafter. We also have placenta encapsulation lined up to assist me with postpartum blues, any postpartum bleeding and producing more breast milk. We also have belly binding kit available so my doula can come and help my body physically recuperate after birth. I am also working on getting as much time off after the baby arrives as possible to heal and bond with the newest member of the family.
Now, we wait until the baby comes. I am so looking forward to this amazing experience. I have done all I can to shape it into an experience that my husband and I will love. I cannot wait to meet our newest little one. We have our prayers ready to say as soon as he/she is born. Waiting is always a challenge but it has given me time and space to write these posts and share with you my experiences. I hope someone reads them and finds them helpful.
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